There are several movies that I can watch repeatedly with no problem (much to Gail's chagrin). Some of these repeatable flicks are: princess bride, rat race, most ah-nold flicks, ocean's eleven (soderbergh version), parenthood, and daddy day care (there are more but that's a short and diverse list).
While I come to love Orion more and more each day (sort of what Jack Nicholson said to Helen Hunt: how the people we can't stand become the people we can't live without), I still have feelings and thoughts of inadequacy, legitimacy in being a daddy. As I become aware of these thoughts and feelings, I realized it's important for me, and for my relationship with Gail and Orion, to write them--sort of as my therapy and awareness of how to "be a better dad (again. paraphrasing Jack).
But it also occurs to me that I must not be the only dad who has these feelings and thoughts. There are challenges every day in different forms whether you are a bio-parent, adoptive parent, or trans-racial adoptive parent.
I would welcome thoughts, feelings, and comments from anyone--parent, friend, family--as we share and continue this journey. Perhaps, it can, encourage Daddy Day Care groups (with or without kids) for daddies to talk amongst themselves.
Wednesday, June 22, 2011
"Daddy Day Care" for daddies
Monday, June 20, 2011
Pride (in the name of love)
My mother just turned 77 years old. While she continues to be the mother of all pack rats, she has been simplifying her household by sending stuff to me.
Recently, I received some old pictures of me with my Dad (part of the stuff she sends are pictures for me to remember, for my wife to see us as a family, and to slowly reduce the stuff in her house). What struck me about the pictures is the love and pride I saw in my Dad's face.
I wondered whether I have that same pride when looking at my son. I don't think I've felt pride--sometimes, but also fear and shame too. What I realized during one of my dreams is that "pride" seems to be coming from a place of "ha, my seed works; I've successfully reproduced my gene pool." As an adoptive father, I don't have that. In fact, I also fear whether I am legitimate as a father; both in the eyes of other folks of color and of other parents.
What I do have is a little being who looks at me with wonder, joy, love, admiration (even though he needs, to test things out for himself)--my son is FULLY attached to me and my wife. I am my son's father in his 2 year old eyes; there ain't anyone else doing that job.
My wife thinks of us having and showing admiration as a way of allowing others, and especially our son, to see the joy we feel from his every accomplishment, and existence in our lives. I seems important to recognize our feelings and shortcomings now, and be able to make some adjustments so that our son can feel with each and every molecule n his body how much we love, admire, and are proud on our own way of and for him.
On deadbeat dads and family values (a manifesto for men)
Walking on some NJ boardwalk many years ago, my friend and I commented on how many parents were strolling with their young (3 and under) kids from 8pm on. Feeding them sugar, whacking their behinds. We wondered what kind of parents these folks are, and how will these kids turn out. Years later, this same friend confided how it is a struggle EVERY day not to whack one's 3 year old. And I must add, do whatever it takes to get them to sleep.
Now having a 17 month old son, yeah, i can understand that (as of June 28,2011, he is 23 months). But worse than that, I think I understand why many fathers want to flee!--to escape to my previously "secure" world where I can control my life, my destiny. It's not that I don't love my son, I do, and he is quite attached to me. It's more than fear of all the responsibility (financial, emotional, and forever), there is no balance left in a new father's life--it's all about this little being. Just as I start to understand how to relate to my mate, my relationships become a triad. Sex becomes an afterthought--if a thought; fun means expending energy (through playtime, tickling, etc) to get this litle being to sleep.
Fatherhood is weird (and I don't mean the diapers, the projectile poops, baby erections, etc). I think that society prepares females to be moms, and they have their own biological clock to contend with the desire to be a mom. Males aren't prepared, nor do we rarely have good role models to begin to prepare us. I don't know if other fathers feel this way (but would love to hear and compare notes), or had felt this way the first 17-24 months of their kids life. Perhaps fatherhood, more than motherhood, is a learned behavior: we have to learn how to relate, how to love, how to feel, how to accept and deal with the here-and-now, and it's consequences. And this comes just after having had to learn all that stuff just to find a mate!
Where do men and boys go to learn this stuff? It has to come from watching their dads, uncles, godfathers, or teachers act in an appropriate, responsible, compassionate way. But when these don't exist in a child's life and surrounding, then the family bond is broken and becomes difficult to repair. And this breakdown of a "family" insiduously creeps into all aspects of our lives,...and the lives of our children. Without a role model of two parents, appropriate and compassionate behaviours suffer, and make it even more difficult for the next generation to understand. This applies to same sex parents as well, in that, it becomes incumbent upon the parents to provide role models of the opposite sex to our children (through uncles, aunts, godparents, etc) so that they may learn how to relate, behave, and grow through and with those relationships. We've had to do something similar with Orion, who is black. Our family now includes bi-lingual family members and African-American family members. Orion really has changed our lives!
My role model was an overbearing, yet loving man. I don't feel like I was able to learn from my mistakes (as I don't think I was allowed to make any) and emulate what I saw as good and right and appropriate. Being an only child, I think also contributed to a paucity of skills in relating in triads. I don't know if parents with siblings find it easier to deal with these issues (but would love to hear from others and compare notes).
It wasn't until I was able to articulate these thoughts that I began to feel a truer sense of fatherhood whereby the resentment of the triad melt away, and compassion and love take hold and support my family. I still have anxieties and fears (finances, medical, etc), but they seem less important than being and allowing. In realizing these thoughts, I realize that parents need to continue their own support. I don't think these feelings of resentment will go away, but I do think I can manage them better.
Moms have playgroups through which they can share and relate the changes they feel. I don't know what Dads have, but we should have a Daddy group (with or without kids), to be able to share our thoughts and feelings. Only through these interactions can we have the presence of mind to relate well, with compassion, and provide real family role models to our children...as well as to our mates.
I guess that old saying that it takes a village to raise a child, really is true. It just depends on how you define your village (and family).